She came into my world; because I created her entrance in that perfectly-timed moment. It was an act by my design. The catalyst I needed her to be. She portrayed herself as the “Cosmic Carrot”. and this rabbit desperately needed her there. I could hardly believe my good fortune in pursuing such a cause.
And as my pursuit continued, I watched her during long conversations. I paid attention to her energy, the way she moved, the way she teased, the way she danced, the way she instilled desire, the way she toyed with emotions, and how she made others feel. I allowed all of it. Didn’t you, too?
I became so polished from her sandpaper ways; I no longer required her skills to see my flaws. I became so outraged at those skills, I forgot that I had asked her to come to me in the first place.
Defensively; I allowed all possibilities of us to fade away into desperate measures. I recalled dark negative times to further my efforts of justification.
The day came when insight led me to understanding. With knowledge of her physical death; I pulled her old, mental, crappy pictures and I felt no further emotional practicality from them. I watched them transform into the butterflies she always wore and flutter away.
And that’s the point, isn’t it? Something in me actively sought her force in my life. I allowed her to do it. I gave her my permission. I let her go, just as I had asked her to let me go.
It’s ok to grieve. The intensity, the duration, the reasons; are for your own good alone. Give yourself permission to heal those places she touched you; so unprepared for the results of that touch. Just like the rest of us. Bury those things with her that no longer serve your ability to move forward right now. It’s ok to feel those things. It will be alright, even as your tears flow. Your Self needs the water to fill in those abandoned places. See the good now. Feel the good things. Give yourself permission to see everything in your new life perspective because of her demonstrations. Let her old self go now for your own sake.
And that is what happens after the negative recall.
by Steffie Rae