Or, why I am a demon elder of variant.
Boo! No, I am here for the higher good and I travel into the depths of darkness to find the point of light to enliven. I am called to serve when spirits need a little push by a force like me to give transitions a kick start. I go where so few know how to tread, after all, it has taken me awhile to hone my abilities. In order to be effective, I had to go through my own education first, sort of a refresher course while physically embodied. After all, why let this cat out of the bag until it was necessary? Just how would I reveal myself without getting into trouble?
Is it any wonder that I hid? Everything I brought here with me was based in a different reality and at every turn, I was reminded. I was in the dark about “the way things are” in this mind of Earth. I was/am a lesbian in a straight world. (Just imagine the adjustments I had to make to my tools?) This physical world bombarded me with a straight mindset and at times, I questioned my sanity as I strove to maintain my power.
How is it wrong to love the way I do, again? Oh, I see. It is the physical object of my love that is a demon thing to do. Ah, so if I focused my sexual behavior on a physical guy, it’s all good. And in order to be myself and make a living without loosing my livelihood, I could only be me behind closed doors. Got it. I was part of the group that was to throw wrenches into the great “let’s multiply” machine. The machine was running rampant and Earth couldn’t handle much more “multiplying”, so I had to figure out how to be that wrench without destroying. Hmmm.
My demon learned to apply skills where required. I entered into a marriage. My dark side created bad negative behaviors within the marriage and I, ultimately, paid for not being myself. I lied, experimented, and at the very end, I cheated on him with a woman. I could not deny my purpose. So, at great cost to everyone, I divorced myself from the straight life. I was sentenced to the darkness of hiding my variant self until I figured out how to be skilled in my true arts.
I experienced love like nothing I had ever imagined. Love between two like spirits is created from a pallet of emotions. A lesson before being relationship ready is Do not hook up the U-haul before you know what you’re getting yourself into, nor allow anyone else to do it either. I connect emotionally, mentally, physically, with a huge splash of psychic and I found out that I had the “U-haul” problem because of my abilities. The depth I could accomplish here was so addicting that, at times, it clouded my judgement. I would dismiss what my mind observed because I was looking for the next spiritual experience. I would rather not look at the bigger picture. I was amazed how two beings could connect within each other’s arms and actually live to do it again. Never had I experienced this level in the straight life, and I realized I wasn’t supposed to. Demon had arrived and throughout my life I exercised Elder with the knowledge I acquired with it.
And then the rest of the emotional pallet…the breakups So many times. After feeling all the loving ecstatic emotions, came the rest of the emotional array. The anger, hurts, pains, decisions, and disappointed separations as reality of daily life came to bare. I discovered that the deeper the emotional physical experience, the deeper the breakup would be felt even on my psychic level. I learned that everyone does their own thing during this process and they have every right to do what they know how to do. They don’t need my permission to do it, either. After all, this is an emergency of the variant kind. There were no role models to look at and damned if you dare to talk about it using the “appropriate pronouns” to not so savvy friends. There was no social networking (thank my stars for that potential stab) so, the pain was something to be dealt with alone. Many choose not to deal with them at all, and they carried their baggage into other relationships.
Some of my breakups were messed up. I mean really messed up! I had this knack for choosing partners who were really broken and addicted to all kinds of things. Pills, cheating, men, looking for a meal ticket, a free ride, thinking that monogamous was a type of wood, and even being addicted to me. Well, maybe not to me personally; but what I was capable of bringing out of them. These things became clear to me only after the breakup started to play out. Sometimes the feelings were mutual and I even thanked one for ending it as she stormed out the door. (Demons can be like that, yeah they can.)
How did I heal? I read a lot. I learned to meditate and allowed myself time to wander through the maze of emotional addictions within my physical self. I weighed what was important and how I added to the breakup. I took back my energy from those events and gave it some time to transform. I related to all kinds of women and stopped looking for the crazy. I simply enjoyed being human. I began to pay attention to the whole person as she revealed herself to me. Removing a preconceived objective allowed me to really “see” and it helped in making better decisions. When the infatuation came calling, I allowed it to invigorate my senses and heal those still pained feelings. It worked like a charm.
I am the Demon Elder of Variant. I have lived through the darker days being seen as not a good person in times past by those who lacked understanding of my mission. I have allied and signed myself up to teach transformation in this new thinking world, by rattling old cages. Demons use themselves to point to the next light of the future self potential. I was the first attempt at greatness of self actuation in this Lesbian lifestyle and I am here for my clan…I truly believe we are here to explore all sides of our creative selves. Somewhere we lost sight of the whole picture. Our clan is bravely exploring another aspect of our spiritual being. Take heart. It is in our nature to be a little different and growing with that difference. We are striving to be allowed to be ourselves. It will happen.
Learn to be ok with yourself.
Posted by Steffie Rae
I have revised this article. Please reread it.
Reblogged this on Steffie Rae Senior and commented:
The article was revised. Sorry about that. I wanted to add some healing of relationship aspects to it. Enjoy and share.