I change my social image all the time. I change my face photo like underwear.
I change things on a whim, on a dime, and in the moment. I laugh while doing it sometimes because I can imagine those who follow me might be tripping over this.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am not apologizing for my behavior. It’s simply me in a creating moment and if I happen to like a certain new image, I will use it.
When I started this post, I had no idea what I wanted to say about change. I just started typing. It’s me, in this moment, creating a written account of what’s in my now.
I can still feel the butterflies in my stomach; but, they diminish as I move through this experience. No planning. No outline. Just me and this page of words flowing from my keyboard.
I have changed this blog title many times and this morning I changed it again. I decided…just start being real.
I have written all kinds of things about my life in this blog. They helped me get here. I am me right now. I am not those things. Heck, I can’t even claim I live a lesbian lifestyle anymore. The only aspect I can really identify with is I still enjoy the company of women. All else is gone. I am ok with it.
I don’t even think about all the wild and crazy messed up people I associated with in the past. I don’t see them in my life right now. I don’t need their past in my life. So, I allow all that stuff that used to be; go. They were illusions, weighing me down.
I just took a deep breath. Change is.
I see the time I went to a friend’s funeral and all her family, friends, associates, and clergy were seated together in a sea of black. The whole space was filled with people crying over the loss of her. My friend had committed suicide by stepping in front of a fast moving train to get away from this life. I think it worked. I chalked it up to her needing a change of scenery.
As I sat in the back, listening to others speak about their association and times with her; I felt her close by chilling my arm. I looked at her and decided to add her voice to the mix. Of course, I wouldn’t tell them it was her urging me to say it.
I stood up and walked to the front as she followed me to position herself near her coffin. (Was quite an image) I had no idea what I was going to say when I turned to face all those people. I smiled before I began. I was dressed in my Jedi best. Black and violet.
I introduced myself first and how I had many conversations with her about Tarot, spirits, and about working with her on a psychic line.
I am standing in front of many mourners with her behind me. She encouraged me to just do it. So, I told all those sad people about a moment she told me “nice shoes” ignoring the fact I was actually in a dress with makeup on. (Not me at all)
Standing there enjoying their laughter, I realized that this is what I wanted to do in my life. I am a bridge. I wanted to let them in on the real joke; she’s right there laughing with you, perfect.
I had delivered her gift of laughter through tears in our now.
I see potential in this.