“The LGBT is like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic while chasing the wind.” – 𝖲𝗂𝗌𝗍𝖾𝗋 𝖲𝗍𝖾𝖿𝖿𝗂𝖾 𝖱𝖺𝖾 ༒❥𖤛𓆸𓆹

The phrase just popped into my head one day and I’m thinking it could have a lot to do with me writing this post. The Titanic could have been the name of my past dramatic ship as a lesbian. Let me break it down for you as I unravel this mystery.

Okay, ‘rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic’. I would keep trying to rearrange my life around the current woman on one side and my children on the other. At least until she sailed her little happy self away. Memo to self: Don’t be a cling on. I also attempted to change other people’s opinions about the lifestyle but, the conversations were nothing like what is happening today.

The phrase ‘chasing the wind’ refers to verses from Ecclesiastes or, The Preacher. This book was written by the wise King Solomon of Jerusalem. ECC Chapter 1 Verse 14 KJT “I have seen all the works that are done under the sun, and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit.” In some Bibles they substitute vanity and vexation of the spirit with chasing the wind. Vanity is any pursuit which doesn’t have eternal value. I can work very hard at trying to grab handful of wind, but no matter how hard I try I have nothing but an empty hand, it was a worthless endeavor. And it was. “Ice” popped in. Okay.

Curiously, I looked up “ice” in the Bible and there are only 3 mentions of “ice” in the whole Book. I also want to point out that my lifepath # is 3. It was the 3rd (of course) one that struck me (no pun intended) and is found in Job Chapter 48 verse 29 “Out of whose womb came the ice? and the hoary frost of heaven, who hath gendered it?” Jaw drop moment here. The Bible is telling me that the hoary or gray head is a crown of glory, only if it is found in the way of righteousness. It also represents this wonderful relationship between grandchildren and grandparents and even says the glory, the delight, the riches, and the wealth. Because of my dual life, I am a great-grandma with over 20 great-grandchildren today. I found my way through it and because I serve the Lord, I have a hoary head.

My Lesbian experience follows as a testament to whomever needs to understand why I found rest with Jesus.

𝖨 used to be a lesbian rearranging those chairs and, for me, that ship sank. I felt alone, unwanted, outside looking in, hiding, and leading a double life. I didn’t know who I could trust or confide in, concerned about losing my job, and maintaining relationships with my children. I started down this path at the age of 10.

You read that right. I remember a girl friend and I played house in the apartments’ laundry room on a few occasions. I kissed her on the lips one day and that’s when I was enlightened that she had told her mother about me kissing her. Her mother told her that girls just don’t kiss girls. It’s funny that I remember the details of the location but, I don’t remember what the girl looked like.

When I entered the Army, I wanted to serve my country and recover from an abusive ex. I had lost custody of my children (in the state of Virginia because if I spoke honestly, I would have been jailed) to my abuser and had endured putting them on a plane to live with him in another state. This had been court ordered. At a later date, he married my ex girlfriend, who then told him about that day she took us to the airport and LIED. She was evil. She told him I laughed when I put them on the plane. I had bawled my eyes out over it and she witnessed my tears. Anyway.

I carefully guarded my secret lifestyle for 5 years before the truth came to light from a source I never considered. My ex husband. My controller had found a way to break even with me and produced my handwritten letters to CID for criminal investigation. There I was, serving as a SGT in the Military Police Corps in the Provost Marshal Section on Post. The Agents came into my office to detain me.

They led me into their office, and sat me down. They told me about the letters and explained what they were going to do. My military world and my lifestyle clashed with me in the middle like a deer in headlights. How in the world can I not lose everything I had worked for? This was in the 80’s and that’s the way it was back then. After some questioning, the letters were pulled out and they dictated each romantic excerpt they found within them. I wrote down every single word. I wrote out 10 very personal exemplars. The agent gathered them up for handwriting analysis and allowed me to go back to duty. I was facing a charge of “Lewd Acts With Another.” Being on pins and needles doesn’t even begin to cover what I endured waiting on those results to land on my Captain’s desk.

About a week later, my 1st SGT and I were ordered to our Company Commander’s office to be informed on the findings. As we both stood at parade rest (and it took every ounce of military bearing I had) in front of her desk, she revealed my fate in the Army. I, SGT Smith, was hereby reprimanded and the reprimand was placed in my company record. This record stayed at the company and would not go into my permanent record. She said “I have done something, yet nothing. You are hereby ordered to Seoul, Korea for your next duty station.” I came to attention, said “Yes, Ma’am, saluted, did an about face, and left her office. After six years in the Army, serving my country, I was honorably discharged upon my return to the states from Korea.

If you look at the previous posts on this blog, you will read about how “out” I was after serving. I wore the rainbow 🌈 colors of the LGBT, attended the Pride Parades in Denver for years. Lovers came and went. Below is me before going to a parade.

Thought aliens dropped me off

I discovered just how crazy women can be during my adventures through the lesbian world. So, I do understand a lot when a man talks about the women in their lives and what they are experiencing. Been there. I’ve had cheaters, betrayals, a woman wiping out my bank account while I was out on the road driving an 18-wheeler, a woman that had to pick a fight with me just to feel good about leaving my presence (the last time she started a fight, I had wised up by then and I told her she didn’t have to pick a fight. Just simply say goodbye and leave.) Apparently, she didn’t agree with me and then announced “We were over!” Before she slammed my door in a dramatic exit, I called after her “Thank you”) That same woman, who didn’t live with me, had earlier redecorated my apartment. Surprise! She handed me the bill for the materials. I even had a druggie girlfriend who would disappear for days without letting me know where she was or if she was ok. She’d come back so messed up she couldn’t function without sleeping some of it off. She kept a large shell of pills under our bed. So yes, I get it.

Spiritually, I was raised up early on in the Roman Catholic Church. When my mother got polio and could no longer care for me, I was further raised by my aunt. She got me into the Methodist Church and I pretty much got that teaching. Later on, in my lesbian life, I got into the New Age. I learned to read Tarot, studied numerology, became a spirit clearer, became a minister in the Universal Life Monastery (in order to carry Tarot cards in Denver one had to be a minister), I worked on a psychic line as a Tarot card reader. I have this gift of seeing into the spirit world and working with spirits. To me, this was normal. I cleared homes and people. Later on, I found out that this was called deliverance.

I marvel at the miracle of Jesus finding me. I called to Him out of the depths because I was drowning in Denver since my lesbian ship had sunk. I had reached a dark place and I was fighting to stay alive. I began reading and researching about God. I could feel the darkness and I didn’t like it. I read that Jesus was the Lamb of God. He was sent into this world by God to mend the only way to Heaven. I learned that until I accept Him into my life, my spirit is dead. I felt that. I wondered what it would feel like to have a live spirit. To drop all my past, going nowhere life, at His feet. I meditated on that for quite awhile.

He answered my spirit knocking.

He nailed my lesbian lifestyle and all the darkness to His cross. My old woman was buried with Him. He rose with me out of the ocean in Myrtle Beach, SC and walked with me into my new life as His new creation. I was now a live Spirit walking with the Grace of God.

That moment He raised me was captured in this photo. Notice the 3 pastors? Truly, the Father, the Word, and Holy Spirit were there with us.

That’s my story and my truth. Today, I have found my way (with guidance) to biblical numerology. I am studying mentions and patterns within the King James Bible. I am being fed by the Word and it is glorious. My gifts are still present and the Lord is teaching me about them and how He needs me to use them in His service. This journey has been about strength and courage.

May the Lord bless and keep you in His peace.